belly belly belly

The unfolding revelation of life never made Ecclesiastes more clearer than the changing of one's body in pregnancy.

Qohelet says (in the NIV translation):

"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
at ime to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace."

I'd like to add that there is
a time to be selfish, and a time to be pregnant.

One of the realities that has dawned on me during the five months I have had being pregnant is that my body will no longer be the same. This has caused me reason to grieve, to reminisce, and to wonder what my new body will be like.

The body is something that I have definitely not taken for granted, especially my own body. I have appreciated the way in which God initially created me and though I've struggled with my body, at the end of the day, I have come to love it as it is. Flaws and all. Even still, I now regret taking it for granted. I wish I had had more time to thank God for all that it is...was. I am afraid that once I have this child I will never return to normal, and if my sources are correct, most likely I will not return to my former state. Even now as I look at this growing bump and the accumulated pouches of stored fat, the darkening of body parts and the changes in my feet and hands. Parenthood is the ultimate sacrifice of self. Not only does nature alter my physical appearance with the decision to have a baby, but I must make the difficult decisions to be less self-centred.

Whatever it means to be a parent, it must begin with sacrifice. Whether we want it to or not, from the very beginning of pregnancy, the morning sickness, the nausea, all are nature's way of saying, your life is no longer your own... your body is no longer your own. Your selfish days have been numbered... a time for joy in oneself is no longer...

I have to say, many women love being pregnant. I am not one of them, and I have to ask myself if it is because I don't appreciate nature's way of forcing me to transition into motherhood. I am not good with transition and I am definitely not okay with being forced into anything (my parents and husband will attest to this.) I am uncomfortable with fat. I am uncomfortable with the changes. I am uncomfortable with feeling full all the time. I am made uncomfortable by indigestion, gas and water retention. But I am through it all being faced with the uncomfortable reality that I am a lot more selfish than I thought... more vain than I knew... more egocentric than I would like to admit. And I think of Qohelet's wise words:

Vanity of vanities, says the Preacher, vanity of vanities! All is vanity. What does man gain by all the toil at which he toils under the sun? A generation goes, and a generation comes, but the earth remains forever. The sun rises, and the sun goes down, and hastens to the place where it rises. The wind blows to the south and goes around to the north; around and around goes the wind, and on its circuits the wind returns. All streams run to the sea, but the sea is not full; to the place where the streams flow, there they flow again. All things are full of weariness; a man cannot utter it; the eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor the ear filled with hearing. What has been is what will be, and what has been done is what will be done, and there is nothing new under the sun. Is there a thing of which it is said, "See, this is new"? It has been already in the ages before us. There is no remembrance of former things, nor will there be any remembrance of later things yet to be among those who come after. (Eccl.1:2-11 ESV)

Women have been bearing children long before I was, and women will continue to bear children long after I am gone. I have to trust that the changes that occur in our bodies is not a cruel joke, but rather like puberty, I have to trust it is a necessary (evil?)rite of passage, and that God knew what He was doing when He created us.