a broken heart

dear jordan;

there was a time when i thought my heart was broken... i cried endlessly, my heart pained inside me and i wanted to pull it out. this was nothing compared to the sudden sense of helplessness as i spoke with my midwife about my last ultrasound. not understanding her words and only hearing that the technician had found something in your heart and i would have to have another ultrasound at the women's hospital this time, in order to ascertain whether there was something to be worried about...

just the notion that there might be something wrong was enough to send my heart into panic. the thought that my body was not a safe place for you, that some how i was already proven to be an inadequate mother... the thought that you may have been wounded by some disregard on my part... i could have died. though it seems overly dramatic, i literally wanted to die thinking that you may not be healthy.

when i came to my senses and it was explained that the concern is an "artifact," an indistinct shadow... and that it determines nothing, only points to further investigation, i felt better. though fear still lurks in the shadow, i realised today how important you are to me, and how the reality of your little heart beating in my body is one of the most significant events to happen in my life.

i realised today that the heart of a mother is not as resilient as the heart of a woman lost in love. rather the pain of a mother's heartache has no comparison... it is irreparable when broken. just a taste of it today has left me unnerved and panicked... realising how much more i need to cling to God to keep me sane.

no wonder it was written: "I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children." (Genesis 3:16)

i am praying that all is well with you and that this artifact is nothing more than a merciful lesson of love.